Remodeling

Although it is totally necessary for the wellbeing of the house, I think remodeling is frightfully scary.

Take my former residence for example I thought the house inside was very cheery. Yes.. I knew it had it's issues... but rip down the ceiling and take away the cupboards and it looks quite dreadful... Unfortunately, I can't seem to find my before pictures, my guess is that they're on my H drive from work somewhere and I can't access them... Either that or they are on a cd somewhere. I don't know where they are. I'm intereted to see what the finished product is.

The sad part of the whole thing is that it reminds me of what a failure I was at my relationship. I don't know if I would have been left in the end, but if only I hadn't asked for the test. Everyone says that it took two, but ultimately, I feel like the responsible one, because I could have done nothing and kept on being a good wife. Instead, it all fell apart--simply because I let it, and I thought I wanted it to. I'm not exactly sure when it happened or why it happened, but I really can't complain about it, because I have a beautiful daughter---she's wonderful! I do however miss the house and miss my solitude. That was one of the nice things about then...I could be totally alone, but not be all at the same time. It's strange to think that I would need that.

But now I can't go back. It's funny how the paths have a way of diverging.

I think part of my feelings are because I'm questioning everything right now. I shouldn't have done so many things, but where did I turn down the wrong path? Was it when I went to college? What it when I went to Nepal? I'm not really sure. I'm sure none of what's happening now wouldn't have happened had I gone to Houghton, or some other school. I know I just need to trust that God is taking care of me, but it's so hard sometimes, especially when I'm constantly turning my back on Him.

In the end, I hope I get some pictures of the finished product. Maybe that would make me feel better.

Another thing that could have triggered these goopy feelings is thoughts of my Dad. I received an email saying that all he wanted for Christmas was to see my sisters and I. I guess he has this really bad pain in his chest from all of the chemo and radiation that was supposed to treat his lung cancer. He thinks that becuase the pain had been prolonged, he won't be around much longer. I mean, I know he has a terminal illness. I know that he's not going to be able to battle it forever, but really I never thought about him passing until I got that email. There had been talk about whether I wanted the house or not, but I had always thought about it in a way where I would be helping him out with it... not having it because he wasn't there. Coming to this realization makes me feel very sad. A lot of people probably think I don't care about him very much since I hardly ever go home to vist, but I do care. We just don't communicate a lot. I guess I can't even explain it. If he does go though, it does mean that both my parents will have died because of cancer. This is distressing. Even more distressing is that Scianna will never know her grandmother, and probably will not remember her Grandfather very well if the cancer overtakes him sooner rather than later. However, I know that sometimes there is a great peace in dying... I just hope that my dad remember the love that God can give him... I know he's had it in the past, and I hope he can find it again.

Ah listen to this depressing rambling.

Now for some cheery Holiday pictures of the Sci-Sci...

Boy... Her hand looks chubby there! Anyone who knows her, knows they aren't~!
Ah, she had great fun taking the ornaments on and off the tree. :)

I just love when she does the *gasp* face. She's so cute!
Speaking of Scianna...It's probably time to wisk her off to sleepy land! Mommy too.. she's tired

and emotional.