All that goes around...

I was strangely reminded of a cat's nuance of chucking up a hairball this morning.

I was trying to get ready to go work at the music studio this morning--brushing teeth, putting on shoes, grabbing my coat when I hear this little "cough cough". I turn around and Scianna is magically spewing her recently ingested Lucky Charms (oh.. I mean... marshmallow treasures) all over herself, the floor and the brand new sofa! wHOOPS!

It was pretty nasty. But, for a fleeting moment I was reminded of a silly cat trying to hawk a hairball. In fact, everytime she made that little cough throughout the day, it took me all I had not to pick her up like a cat and put her on an easily cleanable surface.

Although Scianna has been through two baths, and many many clothes, and towels too, she is still unable to keep anything down. :( She has, however, finally fallen alseep and been wisked away to bed. Hopefully she will awake with good health.

By the by, Commander T is reading from a North Korean textbook... talk about strange.
and now how Canada is a "political Progressive's" "wet Dream." (from cracked.com--of course).
Now Commander T is all worried that people are going to think communist of him because of the aforementioned comment. So... Just so you all know...Although commander T may be many things...Commander T is NOT a communist.

And now, it was mentioned that if I was able to fit into a plastic baggie--I should belong in a circus. Although, whether I fit into a ziploc sandwich bag or not, I should consider joining a circus anyway... just for the sheer fact that I's be Crazy.

Alas... back to the laundry!

Who am I?

I guess I'm at that point in my life (AGAIN!?!?!?) where I sit around and wonder over and over...who am I?

I feel like I'm running in a circle. I feel like I make the same mistakes over and over. People see me as something I don't feel I am. I don't feel like I"m a hard worker, yet everyone says that I am. Julie thinks I have too much on my plate right now, but I don't think I do. People say I hate them, but I really don't. I'm just so confused about who I really am. I don't feel like I have a clear head or the ability to make good decisions. How on Earth am I supposed to raise a child in a good way?

I guess I shouldn't gripe.. I have shelter over my head and food on my plate (more than enough--I might add). I have a steady job and an opportunity to go back to school. I have a beautiful daughter who cracks me up--I have a wonderful family too.

I don't know what it is I'm looking for then. Sleep maybe.

Sleep has been crazy this week. Every time I go to sleep I have these weirded out dreams. One night it was that there was a bat in the bathroom here at the library, other times it was just relational things. Last night I dreampt that I went to a chinese/japanese restaurant with Jenna... and I couldn't reach any of the foods because they were on high shelves or something like that... I wanted my dahl!..

I think part of my problem is that I need sleep. Go figure.. I'm never going to get it.

Despite the fact that I'm going to have to pay it all back, I got the funding for school (Yahoo!). The loans cover it all, minus the discount I get from ALA. Hopefully I'll be able to do well in the classes. I am a bit nervous!

Remodeling

Although it is totally necessary for the wellbeing of the house, I think remodeling is frightfully scary.

Take my former residence for example I thought the house inside was very cheery. Yes.. I knew it had it's issues... but rip down the ceiling and take away the cupboards and it looks quite dreadful... Unfortunately, I can't seem to find my before pictures, my guess is that they're on my H drive from work somewhere and I can't access them... Either that or they are on a cd somewhere. I don't know where they are. I'm intereted to see what the finished product is.

The sad part of the whole thing is that it reminds me of what a failure I was at my relationship. I don't know if I would have been left in the end, but if only I hadn't asked for the test. Everyone says that it took two, but ultimately, I feel like the responsible one, because I could have done nothing and kept on being a good wife. Instead, it all fell apart--simply because I let it, and I thought I wanted it to. I'm not exactly sure when it happened or why it happened, but I really can't complain about it, because I have a beautiful daughter---she's wonderful! I do however miss the house and miss my solitude. That was one of the nice things about then...I could be totally alone, but not be all at the same time. It's strange to think that I would need that.

But now I can't go back. It's funny how the paths have a way of diverging.

I think part of my feelings are because I'm questioning everything right now. I shouldn't have done so many things, but where did I turn down the wrong path? Was it when I went to college? What it when I went to Nepal? I'm not really sure. I'm sure none of what's happening now wouldn't have happened had I gone to Houghton, or some other school. I know I just need to trust that God is taking care of me, but it's so hard sometimes, especially when I'm constantly turning my back on Him.

In the end, I hope I get some pictures of the finished product. Maybe that would make me feel better.

Another thing that could have triggered these goopy feelings is thoughts of my Dad. I received an email saying that all he wanted for Christmas was to see my sisters and I. I guess he has this really bad pain in his chest from all of the chemo and radiation that was supposed to treat his lung cancer. He thinks that becuase the pain had been prolonged, he won't be around much longer. I mean, I know he has a terminal illness. I know that he's not going to be able to battle it forever, but really I never thought about him passing until I got that email. There had been talk about whether I wanted the house or not, but I had always thought about it in a way where I would be helping him out with it... not having it because he wasn't there. Coming to this realization makes me feel very sad. A lot of people probably think I don't care about him very much since I hardly ever go home to vist, but I do care. We just don't communicate a lot. I guess I can't even explain it. If he does go though, it does mean that both my parents will have died because of cancer. This is distressing. Even more distressing is that Scianna will never know her grandmother, and probably will not remember her Grandfather very well if the cancer overtakes him sooner rather than later. However, I know that sometimes there is a great peace in dying... I just hope that my dad remember the love that God can give him... I know he's had it in the past, and I hope he can find it again.

Ah listen to this depressing rambling.

Now for some cheery Holiday pictures of the Sci-Sci...

Boy... Her hand looks chubby there! Anyone who knows her, knows they aren't~!
Ah, she had great fun taking the ornaments on and off the tree. :)

I just love when she does the *gasp* face. She's so cute!
Speaking of Scianna...It's probably time to wisk her off to sleepy land! Mommy too.. she's tired

and emotional.

Dragging

Boy oh Boy.... Adalady was right! When staying up all night long, it's not usually the next day that's the problem... It's the day after!!! Boy am I dragging today!

Tiredness lays under the giddy

I was afraid that when I got to the studio tonight I would be very tired. Instead I found that I was very awake and ready to teach! Go figure. Now that I'm home though, I really really want to go to bed, but can't because the Sci Sci is awake and kicking and NOT showing signs of wanting to sleep. I'm half tempted to just put her in her bed, in her room and turn off the lights. I know that I won't be able to tolerate the screaming though. it's not like she's in a bad mood... She's just in a hper giddy moood... I was hoping she'd calm down by now!!!

Instead of coming home and taking a nap today, I decided I'd drag her to JoAnn Fabrics and get my sister a Christmas present. I also needed to get a turn signal bulb for my lovely orange Aveo. Scianna was okay in the car place, but went down hill from there. She was okay in some of Joanne's but eventually she was just a screamy wet mess. I don't think her diaper was changed since I changed it this morning, and she ended up leaking all over the place (mostly my coat.. ugh!) I didn't even have any diapers in my car that would fit her. I had to use a size 3 which is really to small for her. Serves me right for doing something on a whim.

Speaking of Joanne's... I'm getting kind of frustrated, because I want to knit cool things, but I don't want to use a pattern. This is kind of difficult, because I haven't really made anything but a couple of hats. I was hoping to make a few dog sweaters: One for Duples, one for Pal and one for Lola. I should probably try to do something simple first.. but I get all these complicated pictures in my head. Lord knows I have enough yarn. I hope that I can get into it.

My daughter isn't even two years old and I think she is a chocolate addict. She sits here while I'm typing saying "Choc-o-late...two please". She's already had some today, so I'm not really inclinded to give her anymore... yet she sits here and whines and pleads.

I'm not particularly good with the whining. It actually buggs the tar out of me. *sigh*. I'm so unsure about this parenting thing. She can be so good at times, and other times she has complete melt-downs!

I think all my hard work paid off. There were tons of cookies for the students and hopefully there still will be for tomorrow. I walked in the lounge around lunch time and there were three or four student workers helping themselves to goodies. It makes me feel good that I was able to do something for them. Even if it means my brain is fried today.

Oh the curses of the pre-order!. I orderd my dad a copy of the simpsons movie a while back.. pre-order. Of course it doesn't even come out until december 18th. I was hoping that it would ship out on that day from amazon and be here in time for Christmas. Now, I'm not so sure. This makes me nervous... I was really hoping to be able to give it to him.

Oh the child is rebelling against my saying no to the chocolate goodness... So.. I think I might alight to the couch and try to get her to go to sleep.

Ahhh... The LONG Weekend.

Here it is 4AM Monday morning. I've been a crazy Shank--well it would be silly if I wasn't--baking all night long for the students at work. I don't know what happened! I meant to do all the baking on Friday afternoon/evening, but ended up Christmas shopping, and grocery shopping and then More Christmas Shopping online!

I'm beginning to see what my Grandmother is saying when she says, "once you set your mind to something, Sarah, no matter what it is, you follow it through to completion". This applies for even the silliest of things, like baking cookies. (My sister stays up until all hours of the morning making Chocolate cream pies... so I gather it's likely a Shankly trait!).

Ah.. but now, surely that I'm online BLOGGING at 4 in the AM... the cookies must be done. Well...All except for the icing drying and me putting them away. Now, I realize.. hmmm.. I better get these candy canes set.

Commander T is upset because I'm not sleeping tonight. I am rationalizing that I"m going to take a 1/2 day tomorrow. This means that I can come home at noon... and kind of lay around with Scianna for the rest of the day. I think I'm going to do that. Had I actually gone to bed, like a good Sarah, I would have taken Scianna to work for cookie goodness.. :)

Of Course Saturday I had to work at the music studio. It was actually busy in there. Every time I turned around, either the phone was ringing, or there was someone coming in wanting something. I know it was only busy in there today because I needed to be out of the studio on time. OF course, I ended up leaving a 1/2 hour after I would have liked. However crazy it was, Tim's mom offered us lunch at the little place called "A taste of texas" It was pretty good. Scianna even decided she was going to behave. That was fantastic--although messy. Red juice and khaki colored pants, really don't mix well. From the restaurant we piled into the car and made our way out to Aunt Kris's house. We had planned to go to the 'festival of lights' at the Erie County Fair Ground (and to pick up a faux X-Mas tree or our apt.). So, with me finishing up late, and the invite to lunch, we ended up leaving a lot later than I thought we would. Luckily, they were just getting ready to go when we got there!


Scianna ooh'ed and ahhed at the lights like the best of them. She even got a kick out of the real reindeer they had in the stables. She did NOT care for Santa, however. We got to see a magic show with some kreepy elf/magician named Candy Cane. He made some pretty age inappropriate jokes, I thought. However the magic was interesting. My mind is often too simple to figure all the tricks out. Scianna seemed to enjoy it. She just wanted to sit in my lap and watch... which was difficult because my foot kept falling to sleep. OF course, when the magic show was over, I realized that her diaper must not have been changed in quite a while because she was wet AND I was wet!

They had some other things there... some rides... Scianna really enjoyed the carosel. As much as she liked it, I couldn't believe how much it cost to ride it! $2.00. Really expensive. They had a few little booths set up around. THere were some pretty expensive, but really beautiful silk shirts. I really admired these string paintings that were there. I can't believe how much time someone must spend on them. It's basically cross stitch to the extreme! There were a lot of people and it was really really warm in the buildings. I even walked all the way back to the van without my coat. By the time we got to the van, I was feeling a little bit more refreshed. Scianna did try and enjoy cotton candy, and hot pretzels, and christmas cookies.

Despite the crowds and the price gouging, it was a really nice time. We trooped back to Aunt Krissy's house and she pawned some nice Christmas decorations off on us. We arrived home at
midnight. What a long and exciting day!

Today (or yesterday it is now) I woke up at 8 and started with the baking. I made ginger bread, Cut outs, Chocolate crackle-tops, spritz's (well COmmander T did with the handy dandy cookie gun.), and mint/oatmeal cookies. I was also required to attend a recital at 2 pm for my students while Commander T and Scianna went to see Great-Grandma Wagner. After that I stopped at the store to get more butter and back home to finish the baking, and the laundry, and cleaning up Scianna.

Scianna was a really fantastically well behaved little lady this weekend. I'm so glad! I get nervous sometimes! She is so silly. I made soup today as well (a ham lentil confection). Scianna will NOT eat from her own bowl. She has to eat from Mommy's. Mommy's food always tastes better than the Scianna food, even though it's exactly the same.

Well I'm going to go lay down for forty five minutes.. whoo hoo!!!!

:)

BTW

One last thing...
SUSS: to inspect or investigate so as to gain more knowledge —usually used with out.

Thanks to Esther for broadening my seemingly non-existant knowledge.

It's too late!

It's too late! But I still feel I must blog. Hmmmmmm.. Compulsions... I guess it's better than eating chocolate compulsively... mmmmm Chocolate! *drools*

I think I've spent hours trying to Christmas shop electronically. With that done, there are just a few leftovers that are easier gotten at actual stores. I find it really difficult to go shopping for people. Partly because I don't like overwhelming crowds, and also because people can never give an idea or what type of gifties they prefer... Go figure.

I guess it's time to meander to bed. I'm practically falling asleep in the chair as I type... yet.. I'm hesitant to go to bed. I fail to understand...

I came up with a new and different spoonerism today:

Franka-Zapp. That was supposed to be Frank Zappa.

Also very funny from today.. I was trying to abbreviate staff assistant, and was having a hard time because it kept coming out staff A**. whoops... Julie goes, "Just type ASST.. silly" Sometimes I wonder if I AM the one who needs to think outside o the box.

Apparently it's bedtime and I must progress into my pajamas and thusly into bed.

night-o all! (ah... yes.. this reminds me of scianna.... she said night-night and then proceeded to curl up on the kitchen floor).

Oh right.. to bed.. (hey.. does this remind anyone of me and work???)

Cold Feet and Tom Petty?

NO... I'm not dancing around a morgue singing "Let's dance with mary-jane" in bare feet. Although, my feet have been feeling quite chilly as of late. I guess it's from going in and out of the cold and snow we've been experiencing. However, I am experiencing cold feet of the cliche sense. Maybe not realated to weddings (oh wait.. yes that too) but also related to going back to school. I'm coming up on my fifth year out of college, and I'm feeling that my brain is a bit atrophied. I'm not sure that I could keep up with the demands. I have gone as far as getting accepted, and registering for a couple of classes...But, everytime I mention that I'm going back to school for that degree someone says, "that's nice... congratulations... I heard that it's a really tough program". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH don't tell me that .... I really don't want to know..! As per usual however, I will try to stick it out and do the merry best I can!

Now...to the Tom Petty (although the reference up there was clearly Tom Petty, I was thinking of another one as I scribbled the title of the post).
I have a feeling with work, and probably a lot of other things that are coming up, many people are going to be thinking, feeling, even singing: "You don't know how it feels, You don't know how it feels, you don' know how it feels..... To be me-e-e-" (Of course I doubt the people I work with will be singing Tom Petty... but I would because the particular lyrics right then fit).

I guess that's a quirky thing about me. I tend to pull lyrics from songs that are very situational. I think other people do that too, but I seem to do it constantly. Either that or I take the tune that's going on in my head and make up lyrics to go along with the tune AND the situation. I guess it's just one of those things I do. (And I say I don't know if I"m supposed to be a musician).

So... I'm taking a shower this morning, thinking that I'd meditate on what I might be doing today--instead my wonderful brain shoots me back to Dori's shop yesterday. There's this silly inventory sheet that no one is sure what to do about. However all the things that weren't special order have to end up with little check marks by them. I was always under the impression that we had to make sure we had the correct amount in inventory. I've been told by other people that we just have to make sure everything's been restocked. Dori can't even seem to explain it in a way that I can understand it. I'm very confused about the sheet. However, I tried to find all the books on the six page list that had been restocked. (of course one hadn't... so that's good that I was checking). The sad thing is, with the babysitter going back to school, and me going back to school...I think I'm going to have to give up the extra time in the office. I'm going to try and keep the lessons for now, but I think at this point the office work is just too much. We'll see.. but I have to write her an email.... (cold feet...dread...fear...)

So.. the last thing I'm going to write about (because I'm on the verge of being late for work) is that I had wacky dreams last night. I had a dream that I popped out another kid. I went to get the kid from the Nursery--she was beautiful with Black hair and pretty eyes--and she said at one day old... MAMA... Now after I wake, this amuses me because my first daughter seems a little bit precocious (wow I knew how to spell that?!?!?!?!). But I think it was rather disturbing that my unconscious is thinking about having another kid. I love my daughter to pieces, but I don't know if I have the mental, physical, or emotional ability to have another child.

So now, off to work I go (whistles like in Snow White---See... I told you!)
and then to the grocery store
and then to make christmas cookies for the student workers...
and then to start a busy weekend! Wahoo!

Which way is up?

I think Lately I'm losing sense of which way is up. There are so many ideas being tossed about at work, but which ones are just ideas, and which ones are supposed to be practice???

The whole infostructure as I know it is becoming wacked out.

Yet, on I must go to working in the studio. Oh, how the extra $$ is nice, but boy the time spent there isn't always so nice.

Welcome to my Crazy Life

"If you want to know who we are.... we are the citizens of Japan..."
Ah... the sound Gilbert and Sullivans Mikado.

I'm not exactly sure from whence that came, but it dwells in my head like those wonderful Christmas songs that have already been too long playing in the various shopping facilities.

I hope that this blog will reflect the craziness of my life--or lack thereof. I guess it's only as crazy as I make it. It strange to think that my undergraduate degree is in Music Education... and although I teach lessons, and my daughter is already banging on the piano and singing at the top of her lungs, I don't know if music is my passion--my thing. Although, playing oboe is fantastic--and I love making reeds. So there's something in there somewhere...

For now, I'm embarking on a quest to obtain a master's degree in Library Science. One might consider it crazy that I'm going to be doing this whilst working full time, teaching 6 lessons a week, and trying to raise a daughter just entering the realm of terrible twos. However, maybe I need a shot more of the crazy in my life.

You'd think moving a whole library, and having a new supervisor, and a very new job description might cause me to hesitate in the area of adding more things to my plate... however (and maybe foolishly) I have applied and been accepted to start this...(oh did I mention?) online program. Hopefully I will be able to live up to it!

So.. after a particularly (seemingly to me) unproductive day I decided to come home and make chicken stock. In the pot goes the onions and carrots and celery and spices and garlic and oh.. the chicken! Then I made turkey salad for sandwhiches, and then finally then, I made something else entirely for dinner... all because I didn't have time enough to make bread. (For some reason, the yeast expects you to wait several hours (depending on the recipe) for it to rise. I then proceeded to do some christmas shopping (I'm trying to avoid stores this year) and give my silly singing daughter a bath.

Speaking of my silly daughter who so lovingly dumps cups of water onto the dry bathroom floor, I've never heard her do this before...

While i'm in the midst of my cooking extravaganza Scianna decides to plunk herself down on her Noah's Ark stool and start picking out some rather discordant notes on the keyboard. This is normal. She usually likes to play around on the keyboard. However, today she accompanied the playing with some loud bellowing that almost resembled one of the songs she hears so frequently on the muppet show (and now in talking about it has overtaken the mikado in my head). She is very cute. I can't get over her ability to (except when she's bellowing) keep pitch and some resemblance of time.

Scianna also has this funny habit of saying, "NOTHING" when asked, "what are you doing". It is often followed by "just playing". I'm wondering if this is something that she picked up from the other kidlings at her daycare provider's house. She did pick up the ABC's there afterall... well trying to say them. Usually it ends up... "Now I know my EFG's... " So Cute!

Coincidentally, I could go on for hours about how many interesting things my child does, but really... I should be going to bed. Sleeping... And getting on with the excitement of tomorrow...

Hopefully there will be more ramblings to come...