Blindsided

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I'm in shock still--there's no other explanation. Day 14. I haven't even taken a good minute to think that he's not going to ever walk out of that bedroom with his hoodie pulled over his head---won't see him slumped over on the couch sleeping while sitting up---Haven't taken a good minute to cry, to miss, to anything. I'm just plugging on trying to take care of business. This could be wrong.. it could be exactly what I need. I don't really know. I just wish that Dad's death didn't have to happen that way. Someone asked me the other day if I had a close relationship with my father. I told them that I didn't really know. How can I not know. It's not like we were on the phone everyday... it's like the relationship was understood. We didn't talk a lot. It seems like the middle sister was the closest... I really loved my Dad. I didn't know how to tell him a lot of things, and I think he felt the same way about me. But, he was a fantastic man. It sucks that he so terribly under estimated himself... BUT I see myself doing the same things. It's amazing how much we end up like our parents whether we want to or not. I really just need to cling to the belief that he's in a better place--living with the Father without pain and suffering, seeing Mom again, praising and dancing and biking in the sky. I think that's the only way I'll get through this.

All of this is really pressing down on me. I am really confused about my own life. I am not getting any kind of peace from my life. I really like working at the library. I really hope going to library school is the right thing. I really want to do the right thing by Scianna.. but I don't know what that is. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I floating by the seat of my pants. I just want some peace. I'm sick of not being able to keep up with things. I'm so tired. I feel so useless almost. I know that I'm not.. but it feels like it sometimes. I'm not completely comfortable with my new role at work. I don't know that I like supervising all of these students. I enjoy the ones that I have in interlibrary loan, but I have a more difficult time relating to the ones in the computer lab. I try really hard to communicate, but I feel like I come off as an annoying boss.

I'm not happy at home either. The rent is too expensive... The place is too small. I'm hesitant to dive into a mortgage situation, because I'm not sure if the current living situation is 'right' so to speak. It's just convenient and what I think I have to do--one would hope there was more to it than that, but I have to wonder a lot. I feel annoyed the majority of the time--I don't want life to be this way.

I know what I have to do... I need to trust completely that God will take care of me... but it's really hard for me to do. It's hard for me to let go of myself and let God.

The other thing I'm very unsure about is the music studio. There are occasions that I really enjoy working there, but then again, the majority of the time I dread going there. I don't feel like I"m reaching them anymore. Except maybe Nora and Cindy... But even then...I just don't enjoy it like I used to. I need guidance in this area too. I know that I have to give 30 days notice in order to quit. I don't want the owner to be mad at me like so many other teachers that just announce one day that they aren't coming back.

I will continue to ponder life's difficult problems and then plop them here later.